Senior Pen Pal
Quips And Quotes

Senior Pen Pal is a collection of quips and quotes, clean short jokes, stories of a secret admirer, senior priceless humor, short retirement jokes, getting old jokes, and stories of all kinds. Throw in a batch of funny sick twisted humor and there's a perfect recipe to bring smiles and laughter to all.

I am totally enamored and amazed at the sense of humor of those who have some history behind their years to brag about, and so willingly DO share their lives with us.

Attitude. Seniors who live it up have a certain special attitude about life that others thrive on and cherish forever. We should all take lessons from them. We would surely be a much kinder, gentler, and happier America. These are the senior pen pal acquaintances we hold tight to.

Can you tell I love senior citizens?

So I hope you will enjoy your stay here. Many of these stories have circulated through emails and on news prints. Whoever their authors are, the only purpose for their existence on this website is for pure joy and entertainment. So from one senior pen pal to another, live it up! Here's an email I received recently from a senior admirer that I found rather entertaining:

One day an old German Shepherd starts chasing rabbits and before long, discovers that he's lost. Wandering about, he notices a panther heading rapidly in his direction with the intention of having lunch.

The old German Shepherd thinks, "Oh, oh! I'm in deep do-do*# now!"

Noticing some bones on the ground close by, he immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat. Just as the panther is about to leap, the old German Shepherd exclaims loudly, "Boy, that was one delicious panther! I wonder, if there are any more around here?"

Hearing this, the young panther halts his attack in mid-strike, a look of terror comes over him and he slinks away into the trees. "Whew!," says the panther, "That was close! That old German Shepherd nearly had me!"

Meanwhile, a squirrel who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree, figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the panther. So, off he goes.

The squirrel soon catches up with the panther, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the panther. The young panther is furious at being made a fool of and says, "Here, squirrel, hop on my back and see what's going to happen to that conniving canine!"

Now, the old German Shepherd sees the panther coming with the squirrel on his back and thinks, "What am I going to do now?," but instead of running, the dog sits down with his back to his attackers, pretending he hasn't seen them yet, and just when they get close enough to hear, the old German Shepherd says...."Where's that squirrel? I sent him off an hour ago to bring me another panther!"

Moral of this story.... My senior pen pal says it like this:

Don't mess with the old dogs... Age and skill will always overcome youth and treachery! Bull----*% and brilliance only come with age and experience.

Now, that was one brave and cleaver German Shepherd, wasn't he? Just goes to show you, old is still useful and cunning. So tread lightly, senior pen pal.

There is always an abundance of senior pen pal additions around the holidays, but especially at Halloween. Here's some clean short jokes you might enjoy sharing.

Why Seniors Shouldn’t Trick or treat...

You Know You're Too Old To Trick Or Treat When:

  • 10. You get winded from knocking on the door.
  • 9. You have to have another kid chew the candy for you.
  • 8. You ask for high fiber candy only.
  • 7. When someone drops a candy bar in your bag, you lose your balance and fall over.
  • 6. People say: "Great Boris Karloff Mask," And you're not wearing a mask.
  • 5. When the door opens you yell, "Trick or..." And can't remember the rest.
  • 4. By the end of the night, you have a bag full of restraining orders.
  • 3. You have to carefully choose a costume that won't dislodge your hairpiece.
  • 2. You're the only Power Ranger in the neighborhood with a walker.
  • And the number one reason Seniors should not go Trick Or Treating...

  • 1. You keep having to go home to pee.

Who can't relate to this senior pen pal story? These short retirement jokes and quips and quotes can be related to in many ways, can't they?

Here's a special senior pen pal addition of clean short jokes, led to the senior version of


  • Jesus loves me, this I know,
  • Though my hair is white as snow
  • Though my sight is growing dim,
  • Still He bids me trust in Him.

  • (CHORUS)

  • Though my steps are oh, so slow,
  • With my hand in His I'll go
  • On through life, let come what may,
  • He'll be there to lead the way.

  • (CHORUS)

  • When the nights are dark and long,
  • In my heart He puts a song...
  • Telling me in words so clear,
  • "Have no fear, for I am near."

  • (CHORUS)

  • When my work on earth is done,
  • And life's victories have been won.
  • He will take me home above,
  • Then I'll understand His love.

  • (CHORUS)

  • I love Jesus, does He know?
  • Have I ever told Him so?
  • Jesus loves to hear me say,
  • That I love Him every day.

  • (CHORUS)

Now, you are going to run around all day humming this senior admirer's version of Jesus Loves Me, aren't you? Yes, I can hear you now! It DID bring a smile to your heart, didn't it? Your joy may be attracting the affection of a secret admirer.

It just makes my day when I find a senior admirer who is willing to share their clean short jokes and stories with me, don't you? It really doesn't matter what the subject matter; clean short jokes, retirement limericks, senior memories and events of their lives, or simply silly priceless humor that creates laughter in a crowd.

I love it all. Bring it on, more of it than you think I can take, and then I'll take even more. I dearly love my senior pen pal and all the quips and quotes and my senior admirer with that funny sick twisted humor and senior pranks.

How many of the following do you relate to? This sharing senior pen pal has all the answers about growing older. Perhaps in a funny sick twisted humor state of mind, but never the less, enjoy the short retirement jokes.

"Observations On Growing Older"

~Your Kids are becoming you... and you don't like them... but your grandchildren are Perfect!

~Going Out is good... Coming Home is better! You forget names ... But, it's OK because other people forgot they Even knew you!!!

~You realize you're never going to be really good at anything .... Especially Golf.

~The things you used to care to do, you no longer care to do, but you really do care that you don't care to do them anymore.

~You sleep better on a lounge chair with the TV blaring than in bed. It's Called "pre-sleep".

~You miss the days when everything worked with just an "ON" and "OFF" Switch..

~You tend to use more 4 letter words ..... "what?"..."when?"... ???

~Now that you can afford expensive jewelry, it's not safe to wear it anywhere.

~What used to be freckles are now liver spots.

~Everybody Whispers.

~You have 3 sizes of clothes in your closet .... 2 of which you will never wear.

~~~But Old is good in some things: Old songs, Old movies, and best of all.........OLD FRIENDS!!

Priceless humor.

Have you ever been guilty of looking at others your own age and thinking, surely I can't look that old?

Well . . . You'll love this one. My name is Alice, and I was sitting in the waiting room for my first appointment with a new dentist. I noticed his DDS diploma on the wall, which bore his full name. Suddenly I remembered a tall, handsome, dark-haired boy with the same name had been in my high school class some 40-odd years ago. Could he be the same guy that I had a secret crush on, way back then? Upon seeing him, however, I quickly discarded any such thought. This balding, gray-haired man with the deeply lined face was way too old to have been my classmate, or even a senior pen pal. After he examined my teeth, I asked him if he had attended Morgan Park High School. "Yes. Yes, I did . . . I'm a Mustang," he gleamed with pride.

"When did you graduate?" I asked. He answered, "In 1975. Why do you ask?" "You were in my class!", I exclaimed. He looked at me closely.

Then that ugly, old, bald, wrinkled-faced, fat-assed, gray-haired, decrepit, S.O.B. asked, "What did you teach???"

You can have your senior pen pal , too, by sharing your priceless humor and your favorite story, clean short jokes, short retirement jokes, your favorite senior prank or any funny sick twisted humor entertainment you can think of. Be a special senior pen pal or a senior admirer and add your contribution to these pages with your favorite retirement jokes or your favorite clean short stories. A Senior pen pal is hard to let go of. Enjoy all you have. Celebrating 16 Years Gourmet Gifts for Any OccasionHoliday